Monday, July 2, 2007

Crap Sound

I work at a fancy law firm and as one would expect the office is pretty tasteful. The lighting is mostly fluorescent, but tinted so it doesn’t look cold or strain the eyes. There’s expensive art up the walls (including some drawings by Sol Lewitt and Warhol), the air temperature is perfectly modulated, and office doors are thick so talking and other sound doesn’t escape into the halls.

In general, things are clean and quiet and, to me, anyway, pleasingly impersonal. So why, then, nearly every time I go to the bathroom, do I have to hear some uptight lawyer taking a noisy shit? It’s disgusting, humiliating for dumper and dumped-on alike, and totally out of place in the otherwise straitlaced corporate environment.

If I'm feeling gassy and sense someone else is in the bathroom, I usually flush a few times to block the sound. I thought this was known as a "courtesy flush," but I was mistaken. Turns out people are more concerned about smell than sound.

Since this is a waste of water, and no one else seems to do it anyway, I'd like to propose another solution: white noise generators. We have music and other camouflaging sound in almost every sphere of life – is there any reason we need to preserve silence in bathrooms? Would any of you mind a small box on the wall gentle whoosh as you go about your business?


Kevin said...

Ha ha! This is hilarious and so, so true. Why can't people atleast TRY to cover up their crap sounds? Once, I heard a guy actually talking on his cell phone while in a stall. What a shitty friend!

alice said...

i am for white noise anywhere and everywhere. i bet you could convince someone to get a noise machine and charge it to the company account.

btw, thanks for grossing me out pre-lunch. i love picturing lawyers taking a shit.

alice said...

also...girls do cover up their crap sounds. we even try to fake like we're not shitting by rustling around in our bags to make it seem like we are taking so long because we can't find a tampon.

MCW said...

I didn't think girls made those kinds of noises ever. That was my understanding. Please don't turn my whole worldview upside down!

But yes, I agree with Jake. It can get loud and gross in there. Maybe people should start bringing their Ipod into the bathroom. Might as well, since people bring them everywhere else.

Leslie said...

well, in some italian and mexican restaurants they have language tapes...maybe that's why...a clever way to cover up the sound of someone taking a crap. my personal favourite is a pub in london has hidden bathrooms behind bookcases and the bathrooms have cheesy horror sounds. i'd say get a radio or something in there.

Anonymous said...

Girls do think about this. I'm a girl and I think about it. I do the magic two flush. But men seem not to care. The man in my life thinks I'm a nut for caring. As he says, "everyone shits." Yes but some more quietly than others. All for white noise machine aka THE SHIT SILENCER!

Karen said...

this post will probably get more comments than any other....

Anonymous said...

I'm glad this has been brought up because as it so happens I work at the same fancy law firm as the poster. Moreover, I work on the same floor and ergo use the same bathroom, and while I am not a lawyer, I admit that it's entirely possible that one of those noisy shitters could have been me.

For a long time I agreed with the poster's position on noisy shitting. The sounds are as quirky as they are unpredictable, and like all things unknown in this world, we are quick to fear them. This need not be. I assure you, noisy shitting need not be embarrasing, and in due time, noisy shitting in the hidden presence of others can be a liberating, enjoyable experience.

The Anonymous Law Firm (henceforth known as ALF) provides the most serene, civilized, and proper interactions known in New York City. Any service that is performed by anyone for anyone must be accompanied with a "thanks," regardless of how inane or thankless the job may have been. Often, these "thanks" are communicated in single line e-mails between colleagues. For example, you might get an e-mail with the subject line "Thank," and the body reading "You."

Complex hierachies are established to provide easy to navigate routes for complaints, commendations, and inquiries. No consideration is left unconsidered. No minute or hour goes by unbilled. In this castle of perfect stone, nothing can subvert the sterility like the sound of feces being propelled through one's anus by the winds of sulpher.

From behind the vanilla swing doors of a bathroom stall, anyone can subject the most feckless and elitist corporate evil-doer to the sounds of "embarrasement." Doing so can provide the shitter with immense joy. Just think: minutes ago Partner X was listening to a verdict from distinguished Judge Y. Now, he's listening to Halal chicken and rice from Thursday. Sucker.

The truth is this: know your audience. It is important at ALF to not subject those on the same level, or worse, a lower level, to your sounds. However, should someone above you be in the bathroom (you can tell by their shoes), do not stall! From within that stall, you must go, and go violently, and loudly, and proudly. For every blast is the sound of revolution. Every blast is the echo of those poor souls who came before. Every blast is a devilish fist wave in the face of subjucation.

So, dear poster, fellow user of the 24th floor bathroom, fear not the sounds of fury, for they sound not against you, but for you.

Anonymous said...

Fucking hilarious!

So then, if I understand the above post correctly, farting loudly when your manager is in the toilet next to you, is a bit like saying, "fuck You, breath in my stench and and die! biatch"